**Re-blog of an older story that got deleted when my site crashed**
I have terrifying anxieties about certain things in life. Not everyday stresses (work, school, bills, etc). It’s the life changing events, that should normally be met with great excitement and celebration.
Of course I want the best for myself, but always in my head are negative outcomes. I think I’ve become so used to disappointment, that I’ve caused myself to panic about things that I should be extremely ecstatic about.
I got pregnant and experienced the loss of my child, at the age of 16. Immediately after (less than a month), I went right back to school. I immersed myself in studying and made all A’s and B’s, my junior and senior years. I not only graduated on time, but a lot earlier, by doubling up on classes. I refused to live up to the teen mom stereotype. In short, I kept busy and suppressed my sadness and completely skipped grieving.
At 16, how does one know how to grieve? Let me quickly add, I was never a bad kid. I got involved with the wrong people (yup, that old cliché). A mentally abusive boy, who threatened me and to harm my friends. I never spoke a word, thinking I was protecting my friends. Meanwhile, I was hurting myself and almost my future. There was no “love” there. Just fear. Let me say one thing, it was never a physically abusive relationship. Just mentally and emotionally damaging. Especially for a teenager.
The good thing about my becoming pregnant, was that my fear turned into strength and enough strength to leave that situation and stand up for myself. When you feel life growing inside of you, it really makes you look at things in the bigger picture. Most of us women learn to fight for something bigger than ourselves, when we have a baby. You become a protector. This same strength and protective quality, may have also caused me to put up strong walls to protect myself from further emotional trauma and ignore feelings that are normal to have.
I have had so many achievements over the years, since losing my son. I also think that given my past filled with loss and stress, it seems as though I shouldn’t have made it. I don’t know how I did, outside of a praying family. From promotions, great friendships, crazy opportunities, I have been so blessed! For each and every one of these blessings, I have found a way to kick my inner self back down a notch, as to say: “You really aren’t deserving of this.”, or “It’ll be snatched away, soon.”.
No, my anxiety and panic attacks don’t come from a fear of failing. They have come from my fear of making it and feeling undeserving. Thinking that once I achieve it, it’s going to be taken away from me.
I know my son’s death wasn’t some kind of punishment from God. It was quite the opposite. It was his way of scooping me up, to protect me from the life I was in. My son passing was a way to help me get my life in order and live it the way my mother raised me (respectfully), but also protect my child from a life of serious illness and having a terribly destructive father.
Even whilst knowing this, I am living with what my therapist calls my “fear of abandonment”. I’m fearful of loss at every turn of something good. Every blessing, my inner self is looking for it fade. I fight anxiety and panic attacks every once in awhile, which have twice in my life, physically debilitated me, during times of great success and happiness.
The reason I am facing this truth today, is because I am clawing out of this debilitating state of mind, while trying my best to embrace real love, the thought of having a child, and possibly marriage in the future. I left a great job almost a year ago, due to fear (check my next blog). Now, I’m rebuilding my career from scratch, which is also scary.
I had a great therapist, but I stopped going once she tried to analyze me too much (I am definitely a Scorpio). I don’t like to be analyzed or open like I am right now. I still hate allowing people into my personal headspace. I don’t want anyone to have any kind of power over me. I’m still highly protective of myself and there are walls that still need to be broken down.
This is not a blog about how to overcome the fear of abandonment and success, because I haven’t yet done so. It’s an incomplete blog post, as I’m no expert on this subject, just a person living it. This is a blog to help people like myself, to realize there is a problem and to inspire us to find a healthy way to overcome it. Many people deal with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, but so many medicate the issue and don’t dig deep enough to figure out why it’s happening and how to naturally eliminate it.
I plan to fight this battle, for myself, in the name of my son. My little “Warrior Lamb”, who is in Heaven, helping me to battle my negative thoughts and show myself that I’m deserving of every good thing that comes my way.