**Re-blog of an older story that got deleted when my site crashed**
Morning Friends and Family!
I apologize in advance, if this seems to ramble on. It wasn’t my intention to publish this, however I felt someone may need it. I may need it later down the line, to hold myself accountable.
I have been up and clearing my mind from toxic clutter. My mom suggested yesterday that I read some of Iyanla Vanzant’s words, to encourage me and help me on my journey of self healing and living my best life.
Dealing with panic disorder has been one of the hardest trials in my life. It’s a battle that I’ve fought and overcome before.
It can be a very uncomfortable feeling – being afraid. However, knowing that there is no real threat makes it a little less scary. Knowing that I did it before is also encouraging.
I used to be afraid to admit that I’ve dealt with this, out of fear that people wouldn’t understand. Especially those close to me, who have seen me overcome legitimately difficult obstacles. The black community doesn’t really speak often on these things. It was always kind of a taboo.
I’m always told how “strong” I am, and how the way I’ve handled certain situations has inspired people. These beautiful ideas that people have of me, caused me to close off feeling emotional about things. I felt that I HAD to be strong, no matter what. I allowed it to put pressure on me to be tough. “Never cry and never let them see you cry”, was how I have lived for the past 15 years, since losing my son.
I would punish myself for being sad about things, because I felt: “nothing could be sadder, than losing your child. Get a grip, Cieara!”. I was so wrong! Many things can cause us to hurt and it’s OK to not be OK. It’s OK to cry when things are rough. It’s OK to say that you need help from a friend or family member. If need be, it’s ok to seek counseling, from a church or therapist.
Panic disorder is a very frightening thing, and it can make you less sociable. You want to be closed off in your home (safe place). Things that you used to do and places that you used to go, can turn into places that you no longer feel safe in. There’s no real threat and you have to learn how to shut off the fearful thoughts. This is what I am currently working on and healing from.
I have the constant urge to just be with my friends and not worry about a damn thing. I’ve worried entirely too much. Enough!
I am learning to take it day-by-day and to realize that my best days are ahead of me and not behind me.
I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
On that note: It’s great to read the bible, but if we’re not following the instructions it gives on how to get through, we stay stuck. I am going to take leaps of faith and go out and conquer my fears.
I’m not writing this to get a pity party. I’m writing it to forgive myself and to allow myself to see that it’s OK to not always be OK. But, we must pick ourselves back up, dust ourselves off, and seize the day. Seek help from those that love and care for you. Don’t look to everyone for help, because not everyone has your best interest at heart. Everyone may not understand and that’s OK too.
The last thing that I would like to say is: Be a friend! Be there for people even when you don’t know the full extent of their pain. If you see that one of your friends or family members is becoming closed off (down), step in and just be there.
Get them out for fresh air and fun, or have friendly conversation. It may be emotionally painful for them at first, but it’s definitely needed. Don’t stop trying and don’t give up on them.